Schizophrenia Includes Delusions of Grandeur

“You have to stay alive,”

she’d said,

on the way home.

We’d had a campout

for girl scouts.

I didn’t talk to anybody.

Nobody talked to me.

Afterwards, she was giving me a ride.

Afterwards, she let me into her car.

She gazed at me from the driver’s seat,

letting the van slow down around the curves.

“I have this creepy feeling,” she’d let on,

clearly perturbed.

The sun poked down through the trees.

Green again.  Springtime.

No one had talked to me for the entire trip.

Not one girl.

I was a loner.  I kept to myself.

Stayed in the woods.

She was looking at me from the driver’s seat,

pleading, with her eyes.  Afraid.

“Stay alive,” she’d said.

“The time will come when they will need you.”

Full Beaver Moon

 

For a moment I had no fear.

I felt my spirit rising clear.

A full moon rising like a mirror

pierces the heart of an indigo sky.

 

Sitting in the rich wet grass.

The blades tossed between a horse’s teeth.

Between the slurping and the quiet I

could hear the crickets cry.

 

A chestnut muzzle blows upon my neck

with warm and sweet and damp and soggy breath.

I sat cross-legged with my palms faced up.

I sat cross-legged while my jeans got wet.

 

The rustic call of a goose drops low

from above the dark tree line.

And the moon shines, looming bright.

A window to my eye.

Never Be Afraid to Ring Clearly as You Clearly Are.

no words are coming to day.

When I rode my bike earlier

there were so many leaves on the trail,

carried by the wind to rest graciously atop the asphalt.

dead, but filled with potential energy to be crunched.

it feels good to dodge them with my tires,

or skirt right close around the edges to where you can hear them crisp, intermittently.

however, you can’t help but ride over some.

if you try too hard it’ll suck out all of the thrill and you’ll be trailing nothing but your compulsions.

in time you’ll find that when you set your intention but leave room for some gray to occur that whatever happens beyond your intent will truly turn out for the best.

in 16 days it will be my birthday.  I would love to have a Renaissance theme, but I am not doing a party this year.  It is such a good idea though.  I would so do it.  I WILL! sometime.  next year?

I am going to be 22.  amazing what kind of associations can be attached to numbers.

I have been having good days recently.  but still, I think that if you are not having good days, having good dreams is better than having shitty days and no dreams at all.  at least you will have your dreams.  i thought of this because of something that a friend said to me recently.  some people may disagree…

today, i had my second meeting with CATS (INOVA comprehensive addiction treatment services).  basically, with all that has been going on, my brain needs to “heal” so that all functions can resume as they were and we can observe the workings of my natural tourettes/ocd neurological chemistry without any additional substances.  although i am not convinced that i am an addict (and not just a college student), i need to be sober for a year for this reason.  it is for the best.

it’s very interesting.  i actually really, really, really thoroughly enjoyed it.  it’s an education program.  you have a group, and a counselor.  there are four other people in my group, and my counselor is terrific.  basically, i felt really warm feelings all throughout the three hours and it was nice to be supportive of one another.  if anything, it will be a learning experience in how to work with people again.  also good participant observation for anthropology.  what i really like about this program is that they look at one’s alcoholism as a component within a type of person that usually accompanies/enhances/is enhanced by other issues/dysfunctions that are maladaptive and/or counterproductive to a person’s well-being and progress in life.

Going here doesn’t mean you are a failure.  not one bit.  if anything, the education that I and the others are receiving includes a VERY broad and comprehensive array of important and relevant topics and skills for living well.  and everyone is being honest with themselves.  i wish we could see a lot more of that in the world today.

everyone (i’m thinking college age here) wants to be somebody.  we are gearing up to be somebody.  now, some may want to appear as a certain thing, in a certain way.  this is fine, when you know yourself.  then it’s beyond appearance.  it has to be.  but when you don’t, then it can be a facade.  and that’s okay, this cannot be blamed, because who knows themself completely anyway?  we’re learning more every day.  do we not sometimes, often, try on different “hats” and acts, emulating and recognizing things in others that we see that, in a good light, remind us of ourselves?

I read the other day a Bible verse on Anton Newcombe’s myspace.  (that’s right).  it was similar to: “just like the rock sharpens the spade, so one person sharpens another.”  I found that to be truly beautiful, inspiring, and accurate.

let us learn from each other give and take, but don’t forget your self.  while it may be illusory, it is still important for the world that we are living in.  and remember, you, first and foremost and just as much as anyone else, deserve to be well and happy and deserve to allow yourself this.  pay attention.

I Am Greater than My Mind

On some days

I keep awakening into the realization that any xcontrolx that I have when I’m asleep is an illusion.

It may taste real.  It might even bring a smile to the edge of my lips.  But it won’t warm me up inside.

In fact a part of me will remain frozen; that’s always the telltale sign.

I’ll think I’m driving fine and then I realize that I’m four feet below in fastly falling snow.

And when I feel the cold hold and spreading, will I let it go

and risk forgetting who I thought I was a moment ago, when I last felt in control?

I hope so.

I am not my mind.  I am not my mind’s.  I don’t always mind my mind.  But I do mind minding my mind.  My mind is mine.

Time to time it keeps repeating that same kind of play-by-play that takes me very very far away.

I’ll loathe the loosing touch.  And I’ll miss my heart so much.

So I’ll fight this OCD, one fuck damn shit tic at a time

Yes I’ll fight this OCD; I can’t wait to make it mine.

Staying longer and longer with the rest of you;

standing clear and tall atop the fallen snow

where I can still smell the  sanity.

(:

Nothing Matters Until You Allow It To.

Today I started work on my second handmade hammock .  I make them out of white butcher’s twine.  It takes a long time,, but is a terrific activity… essentially repetitive and motor-skill enhancing… secondarily therapeutic and a catalyst for productive thoughts and being.

all in all, I like it.  It’s gonna be a little harder to start out, because a good friend of mine showed me how to do it last summer when I made the first one (recently ruined by the new family dog, AGH!), and he helped start me out which is a leetl toughhh.  BUT it is a different year, a new season and at that time for a new hammock.

I sat on the swingset “fort” thing, you know, the ship thing.. with the wooden vertical boards and the yellow steering wheel, raised up above the ground and where the slide comes out of.  So the trees were near me and I was surprised at the rather uncluttered condition of the “ground” of this fort… not even one dollop of bird poop.  Perfect.

I write about this experience because it was significant.  Drinking yerba mate which I bought today because it’s awesome and also because I’m currently not drinking anything else (substance-wise.. except of course for coffee and tea if those count), I sat upon my favorite green squishy couch blanket, wore a zip-up hoody, and netted the initial line of “meshes”/loops/knots what have you that make up the beginning of the hammock.  It’s tedious stuff but once you get the hang of the motion it sinks in.  The birds and crickets were creating the perfect harmony, and my Stepdad had a trashcan fire burning at some wood and trash… there are few things nicer to smell than fresh firesmoke. It’s true.  For about an hour, while the sun was beginning to set– in between 5:50 and 6:50 pm– I actually tended to an activity and enjoyed it whole-heartedly without (barely) any interruptions by the soundtrack of negative, compulsive thoughts that has been switching on and off in my mind for the past however long year or two.  Long story.  But it’s all getting better now.  Told a friend today that all I want is to re-locate the key to my freedom and the rest will follow.  Nothing matters until you allow it to. That’s all I’m going to say about that for now.  Especially since I’m pretty convinced no one has read the last post and not sure if anyone will ever end up reading this and what the hell is the point of spilling one’s guts to a non-audience on the internet.  haha.. aaaaaaanyways

I have ALWAYS loved nature, and autumn is undoubtedly my favorite season to be alive.  That being said, it is amazing how in a sub-par state of mind, one cannot even muster the concentration/ability/whatever to get satisfaction, let alone enjoyment, out of the things that she loves best.  It’s a sad story.  The other day I bawled while on horseback on the trails… one of my absolute loves in this world.  It was great… tears streaming shamelessly down my face at least I’m not hiding it.. the rain was pouring too.  I wore my Mom’s old college sweatshirt.

On a lighter note, there is so much good music out there right now that it makes me sick.  It makes me want to have more time to explore and to listen to it all, all of it at the same time!  Myspace has gotten so crowded with new and awesome bands, for one thing.  It’s like, I’ll hear a band I dig and then decide to listen to them and go back and listen to all of the bands on their “top friends.”  But then I’ll listen to one of those bands and get lost in them and listen to a band or two on THEIR top friends and then so and and eventually forget about the original band!  haha

wild

last.fm rocks too.  free memberships.  i think i like it better than pandora, thus far.  we’ll see.  Neutral Milk Hotel station is pretty awesome.  so is Jewelled Antler Collective. .. .

Today in the car Mom and I were talking.   I told her that I had purchased the “Poet’s Market 2010″ handbook on Amazon yesterday evening, which outlines all of the publications open to receiving and publishing poetry.. with explanations for them and everything.  Thought it would be a good idea.  I basically googled, how do you get your poetry published?  haha.. I think the website that gave me the tip-off was called “howtodostuff.com” LOLZ

And theeeeeeeeeeen I told her that I was in contact with the main dude from one of my favorite bands… the Brian Jonestown Massacre.  and she was like, SEND HIM YER STUFF!  “I’m getting a feeling.   You should write lyrics!  Imagine!  Being a lyricists for a famous band!”  and blah-de-blah… It’s awesome/amazing how she gets soo enthusiastic.  She genuinely gets that enthusiastic too, about things.  It’s so genuine.  She genuinely feels HARD for other people, man!  It’s great.. I’ve never quite seen anything like it.  It’s definitely taken a toll on me over the years.  Sometimes I feel that enthusiastic.. not much these days, but it’s oaky.  I think I’m pretty typically more apathetic than enthusiastic.  Well, I don’t know.  It’s weird.  Sometimes sometimes. I guess everyone’s got their moods.  I go back and forth from trying to characterize myself and trying not to live within any characterizations.  Anyone else feel this way?  Anyway, I know that I am empathetic.  I can feel peoples’ emotions and instinctually tune in to others when I’m in their vicinity and someitmes even over distance.  However, I don’t feel like it’s a deep-seated concern (Well, it IS, i guess, but it’s like mroe of a thing that I just DO.. and sometimes to a fault.  Like, I’[ll forget to focus on myself, easily letting my boundaries slide into checking to see how somebody else is doing, making sure that they are feeling comfortable, that my presence is a good thing for THEM.)  This gets very frustrating for me, as when I allow myself to lose focus and just kind of “let go” into the moment, my attention seems to dissipate EVERywhere!  and it’s hard for me to do what I really want to do.  Needless to say, I do most of my best work and fruitful thinking alone.  Funny how that works…

So songwriting.  Yeah, a lot of the things I’ve written are meant as songs.  I even have a melody for many of them.  However, I haven’t yet been able to get anything together as a song to present or to play.  I mean, shit, I’d be down with strumming a simple guitar part and singing at an open mic, where I’d probably get more attention than just reading.  Everytime I pick up the guitar though sometimes I’ll really get into it but not write anything down… just feel it and it’s healing and nice.  When I think about writing actual music, with instruments, I currently get turned off.  I don’t play the guitar very well so it’s not like I’d really know what to do easy.  I play the piano pretty well but haven’t played in a while and only started up again (I’m learning Moonlight Sonata), and once again I don’t raelly feel like trying to write the music.  I know a few people who have been willing to work with me together on some pieces but I guess I just haven’t really been in the right state of mind.  I still feel like it’s an option, though, and I guess I’ve got some time to kill now, being off for the semester.

Definitely going to put my poems out there once I get this handbook, and it’ll be interesting to see if it gives me any places for lyric publication.  I guess if I were making decent money (depends on how much) I would consider selling some songs out to be sung by bands (depends on the music too, I think.. the artists.)  Of course I’ve felt for a long time that musicians should write their own music and lyrics.. as something meaningful to them, but I know it doesn’t always go that way…  Not everyone can do it all.

With all this said about lyrics and writing, sounding awefully pretentious I’m sure to some of you (which, really, if you were to meet me, you’d realize in a second that I’m really not), I’d better include one song here.  Hopefully none of you non-readers will steel it!

Human religion

unfold like a snake

through the eyes

of an institutional history.

Of what we think that we are,

of what it is that we think

we have been.

Have they forgotten

we are steering a bullet?

Who is playing the piano,

God or a word?

Morning affection

spread out like a lake,

then dries–

in the dawning

of who we think we are not,

of who we think that

we can never be.

Have they forgotten

we are steering a bullet?

Who is playing the piano,

god or a word?

What you don’t want to see is what is haunting yourself.

What you don’t want to be is what is part of yourself.

Why don’t you go out and see what it is riding yourself,

what you are.

^ written probably sometime in June.  I don’t like how when you paste something in here the line breaks are big.  Oh well

Anyways, I’m off to beddie now.  Tomorrow going back to school to see my friends and listen to good music on a farm.  Yip yip.  nighters

K

“Everyone gets noticed now and then.  Unless of course that person he should be… invisible!
Inconsequential meeee.”

–Chocolate USA- “Isn’t a Lie”

Hello world!

This is my first time writing in a blog.  Or, an “adult” blog, that is.  Pretty sure I had one in middle school..  So I’m a litl unsure as to who is going to read this or how or why anyone would, but I guess we’ll see how she goes!  Of course I DO want it to be read; why else would I take the time to post it?  Not that I don’t enjoy hearing my self spea

me

k/  or write.  I am not a chatterbox, however, in the least bit.  Don’t get that impression.  Or, in my opinion, I am not.  Actually, I’d say pretty highly contrast one.  I think this may turn off some, but that’s okay.  I have been uttering, I think, significantly fewer words in the past year and a half to two years than any other time in my life… less words.  But when I do decide to leak verbally, I’ll end up stringing a bunch of them together, not necessarily fastly, but enough to get a point across..  Unfortunately, sometimes I need to stop myself take a deep breath and check in to make sure that people are still listening.  Not that they aren’t.  It would just be my own self-consciousness or absorption in my point or whatever.  Usually what I do have to say is well-received though… that is of course, coming from my subjective ut attempted-reflexive, anthropologist’s opinion ; )

(Now don’t get me wrong, I haven’t graduated from undergrad yet.. still working on it.  Taking a little time off before I kick back into senior year mode.  A bit of soul-searching, so to speak.  So glad to have the luxury to do this.  We all need to take the time we need.  We need to make and take the time and the space that we need in order to survive and in order to FUNCTIOn, or else we will hit a damn wall and not be able to go ANYwhere! (:  let alone live up to our lies….

aAaAanyway, thought I’d put up a poem here to start things off… well, I guess, on a good note, even though by now I have come to the realization that good first impressions may indeed be overrated.  After all, if you don’t for whatever reason end up putting your best foot forward in a situation, there is tentatively always room for improvement, eh?  Not to sound like a slack-ass, but it’s kind of the truth.. in my eyes, anyway.  That is, granted you didn’t completely blow it that first time.

..:*I wrote this last night but hey i didn’t write anything good today so here’s today’s from yesterday*:..

Jog

With each bouncy stride

the air pushes, playing in and out through my ears.

I can hear the matching beat

of my pulse beneath the skin,

a base drum setting the tone

to the setting sun who makes itself known

during its last debut to day.

My kayak eyes, half closed,

filter through the strong but dying rays

so as to retain the vision

without going blind.

Suddenly, a squirrel manifests

from tree out-of nowhere,

leaping nearly shoulder level across the path.

I issue a scream,

a whoop I wasn’t aware was there,

and so close to the surface at that.

It fell out through my mouth like melted butter over cooked squash,

and with glee I watched it galloping

across the grass and up into the woods.

Sometimes it takes scaring the shit out of yourself,

(do you agree?)

to remember that you are here.

Thank you and goodnight!
K